Jobisms

[Rob]

Job: Guess what bro?
Rob: What?
Job: Buddy [Job's dog] is lying on my foot.
Job: He's using my foot as his pillow bro.
Rob: Nice.
Job: He's been there for an hour.
Rob: Nice.
Job: Doesn't that mean he likes me?
Rob: Yep. He's been hanging around you a lot lately.
Job. Yep.
Rob: That's probably because you've been nicer to him lately.
Job: No I haven't bro.
Job: I'm always mean to him.

[Rob]

Job: Buddy's scared bro. He's laying right next to me.

Rob: What's he scared of?

Job: He's scared of Adrian. He's scared of Adrian, bro.

Adrian is Job's two-year-old nephew.

Rob: Why is he scared of Adrian?

Job: Because Adrian abuses him.

A little later:

Job: Go away Adrian.

Adrian. No.

Job: Go. Go. Go. Go. Go.

Adrian: No. No. No. No. No.

[Rob]

Job is playing Ode to Joy on the digital keyboard I gave him for his birthday last year. He's using a choir voice that he apparently never tried before.

Job: Wow bro that sounds like God.

A few seconds later:

Job: Well, who knows what God sounds like anyway.

[Rob]

[Rob]

For the first time, Job has a real-life girlfriend. She's a student at his high school.

Job: I might propose an engagement bro. I might.

Rob: That's a big decision.

Job: But maybe it's too soon.

Rob: Yeah.

Job. I might wait a month. Or two weeks. Or a week.

[Rob]

Job: Bro, I found this out. Sex is exercise. It makes you sweat.

[Warriorperson]

Job: Bro, I found this out. Sex is exercise. It makes you sweat.

Well, he certainly isn't wrong.

[Rob]

Job: Bro can I insult you?

Rob: Nope.

Job: Bro are you a footprint?

Rob: If I'm a footprint, what does that mean?

Job: I don't know.

Rob: Yeah you know.

Job: I don't know.

Rob: C'mon, you always know. What does it mean?

Job: It means you get stepped on.

Job and I have been having conversations like this for years. They happen because he feels a compulsion to insult me, which he knows he can't do because I'll hang up, so he tries to satisfy the compulsion with an obscure, symbolic question. Here's an earlier conversation where he explained this dynamic himself. Sometimes the compulsion is so strong that he chants "insult insult insult" for a while. He had stopped this behavior for about a year, maybe longer, but a month or two ago he started again.

[Rob]

Job: Bro I decided to get engaged. Next month, me and Eileen* are going to get engaged.

Rob: Wow.

Job: Yep. And then next year when I'm 18 I'll propose.

*I've changed his girlfriend's name. She just moved into her own apartment and Job spent time with her there today. In the two or three weeks since he met her, his life has changed so much it's almost hard to believe. I think this is the best thing that has happened to him since I know him.

[Rob]

Yesterday:

Job: Bro today is my three week anniversary with Eileen.

Today:

Job: Bro today is my four week anniversary with Eileen.

I think they really started on May 23, or close to that day, so it has really been about two and a half weeks.

Rob: I think Eileen is the best thing that ever happened to you. Congrats on your anniversary.

Rob: Have you and Eileen had an argument yet?

Job: Only when I told her what to do.

Rob: What did she say?

Job: Well, she said [mimicking her voice], "Job, don't tell me what to do. I don't like being told what to do, not even by my boyfriend. If you tell me what to do, I'm going to tell you what to do."

Rob: How did that make you feel?

His answer was unintelligible, but I heard the words "good" and "bad." Then he put the phone down. Later I asked him again.

Job: [Cheerfully] I do not know.

Rob: Not bad?

Job: [Reassuringly] It wasn't really bad, bro.

[Rob]

I think they were brothers, bro. Coca-Cola and Pepsi-Cola were both brothers. Because they have the same handwriting. Did you not notice that bro? They are both cursives.

[Rob]

Job: Bro this movie is original but the blood is fake. Usually in other movies the blood is real. In this movie the blood is made of tomato sauce.

Rob: What movie is it?

Job: Dawn of the Living Dead.

Rob: Oh yeah.

Job: Bro are you a tomato?

[Rob]

Job: You know bro, at some point I'll have to end my relationship with Eileen.

Rob: Why?

Job: I don't know.

Rob: Are you getting tired of her?

Job: Nope.

Rob: If you're going to get married and be a father, that usually goes on for a pretty long time.

Job: No bro. We just want to get engaged not married.

Rob: Oh, I thought you want to get married.

Job: Nope.

Rob: Why not?

Job: Marriage is so annoying. It's so expensive. We don't want to deal with it. We'll just get engaged.

[Rob]

Bro, Eileen is fed up with my insults. She says it's abuse. She says I have to mature.

[Rob]

Job hasn't been playing the piano lately. He told me yesterday that he stopped because nobody has posted a comment on his YouTube video.

It didn't occur to me that he would react that way. Hopefully some comments will get posted over on YouTube.

[Rob]

Job: Eileen loves me but she's not in love with me bro.

Rob: What's the difference between "love" and "in love"?

Job: I don't know. She loves me but she doesn't have loving feelings for me.

Rob: If she loves you, she has loving feelings, doesn't she?

Job: I don't get it either bro.

[Rob]

Job: Wow bro did you know Tom Cruise is 53 years old?

Rob: Wow.

Job: He's almost your age bro.

Rob. Yeah. [I'm 62.]

Job: Well he's almost your age when you were in your fifties.

[Electro]

Job: Wow bro did you know Tom Cruise is 53 years old?

Rob: Wow.

Job: He's almost your age bro.

Rob. Yeah. [I'm 62.]

Job: Well he's almost your age when you were in your fifties.

lol'd.

[Rob]

Every once in a while he's diabolically cute.

[Rob]

A voice message from Job.

[Rob]

Rob: Bro can you please tell me your social security number?

Job tells Rob his social security number.

Rob: Can you say that again so I can make sure I heard it right?

Job: Three as in a three-year-old. Nine as in a nine-year-old. Two as in a two-year-old. One as in a one-year-old...

[Rob]

Job's girlfriend Eileen broke up with him a few days ago. He called me in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, like he used to do when he was younger and a thunderstorm scared him.

Job: Bro I feel like a bullet was shot into my heart. I cried so much the sheets got soaked.

[Rob]

From Job's report card today:

We have had no instances reported of inappropriate comments by Job in the first four weeks of the quarter. This is a significant improvement over previous years.

Job: This is the best thing I've ever heard about me.

He got five A's. His grades are usually much lower.

Rob: Why did you do so good?

Job: I don't know bro. Maybe because I had a girlfriend?

[Rob]

[Electro]

Is the girl in the photo Eileen?